It's been so long since I updated this blog. Sometimes I just want to give up on it because writing is so hard for me. Taking pictures or baking is so much easier.
But then I see people sharing my blog on FB or I get emails from people encouraging me to write more. So be it!
4th of July will always be a twisted date for me. Not for the reason most of americans celebrate it. It's because on 4th of July of last year I was normal. My life was normal, my health was very good and my plans for the future were very big. The 5th of July is when everything just broke down because of a simple phone call...you have cancer.
So I've been fighting this monster for over a year now. I had good days but I had more bad days.
The pain and the fear is what pushed me down all along. There is nothing I was able to do to get rid of it. Sometimes I hear stories about people who have cancer and live a normal life. Keep their jobs, raise their kids and do all the cancer treatments they are suppose to do. I have met some of those women. Some were stage 1 or 2 breast cancer. I have never met anyone with terminal cancer, nobody who is young like me. If I could meet that person I would only have one question "how do you survive?"
Right now it's probably the worst time of my cancer journey. The doctors are using the strongest pain medications, chemo is every week, radiation in between, scans...what if we run out? That's what I'm asking myself every day.
Because I have been in so much pain lately I have thought about death more and more. We always ask ourselves what heaven is like. I imagine it as a place like this life. Who says I would lose Chloe or people that I love? Maybe they are just waiting on the other side. But I still hold on to this life...don't know why, it just seems the right thing to do.
I had more and more conversations with friends about stopping my treatment. That means people feel me suffering and feel my pain. And they are giving up on me...I'm not hurt by that. I wouldn't want any of my friends to hurt like that. The problem is just that we don't know. We don't know what gods plan is. Maybe one day I will wake up from this nightmare and all the cancer will be gone?
I talked to a therapist a year ago and she told me over 50% of advanced or terminal cancer patients commit suicide. I completely understand. But that is not an option for me. I don't want Chloe to live with that for the rest of her life.
Right now nothing makes really sense. I have a good life, I love my family, making new friends and I have everything my heart desires. But I don't have the health to enjoy it.
I'm doing Chemo every week and it's still hard on me. You would think my body would be used to it by now but that is not the case. I still have the nightmares, the pain, the dark feeling like a demon is taking over my body. And I still can't really put it in words.
I miss those days where I would just get up and go. Get a coffee, shopping for clothes or go to the beach. I feel like I'm a prisoner of my own body. And I try. I get up and try to make it outside...but then I get a fever or an infection in return.
Death sounds so good sometimes.
Sometimes I look at pictures of my girlfriends on FB and wish that was me...living a normal life, I gave up that dream a long time ago. And a couple of months ago I was taking it day by day, now I'm taking it hour by hour. I know those 700 pills a day is what keeps me running. It also gives me horrible side effects. I'm not myself anymore, I lost the real me somewhere on the way. Now I'm just here, trying to survive. Trying to get into my child's memory so she won't forget her mother. Almost pathetic.
I know my friends love me very much and want me around for a very long time, but I feel like this is coming to an end. I don't see the purpose for this anymore.
I hope everyone learned how strong cancer can be. I was a very strong person but it broke me down.
Some things we just have to leave up to god...
