What does it mean when you have a terminal illness? I can tell you all about it...or not. It means your illness will get you, sooner or later. The doctors can give you a time frame but that means absolutely nothing. Just like statistics for that specific illness. Because you can die sooner, later or just live for another 20 years. But once I know for sure and nobody could ever question or deny this. It's so scary it takes your breath away. It feels like a killer is in a room next to you with a knife and its just a matter of time until he finds you. Imagine how you would feel. You want to cry but can't because you don't want to make a noise. You don't want to breathe. You feel paralyzed. There is nothing you can protect yourself with and there is nobody who could help you. You alone, door on door with the enemy. That's how it feels. And then when you realize it's just an imagination you cry and cry because it seems so unfair.
Nobody wants to die. No matter how miserable your life is, nobody wants to go into the unknown. Leaving the known behind. Wondering if we will just disappear for ever. Like we never existed. Or if we will burn in hell because we broke the rules. There is not enough time to make up for the things we did when we didn't know better.
As for me I'm not scared anymore. I'm just heartbroken and so sad for my child. I just don't understand it.
I will never question god. He made us and he has the right to take us but it seems so cruel.
I know it will break her little spirit forever. I grew up without a dad but I could not imagine it without my mom. And she is a mommy's girl. Don't get me wrong, she loves her daddy but at the end of the day she comes back to the one she loves the most. We have a bond that I can not describe. It started before she was born. It's a bond nobody could ever replace. So what will happen to her.
My last scan was bad-horrible. I did not expect that at all. Especially not after I was getting so much better after I came home from the hospital. It's in my lung, almost replaced my bone marrow and it's gotten worse in my bones. And it's really hard to treat because my blood counts are not very good. The cancer makes it low and so does the chemo. The blood transfusions don't least very long. So it's almost a race with time. But how much time do I have? Hopefully enough so I can tell my mom goodbye. Enough to prepare the things for Chloe. The doctor told me to do it as long as I still can.
I feel my hands and legs getting weaker, like they want to give up. I realize how strong I used to be.
Now I feel like glass. I lost so much weight and it doesn't feel right. If it was the healthy way I would be happy but this is just not right. My muscles are hanging and my skin is loose. Every body part is sensitive to the touch. It feels like it wants to give up and drop but I keep going. Because I have to, somehow.
In my mind there is a little fire. It's so tiny you would never see it. It's called hope. It talks to me sometimes but it's so hard to hear because its just as weak as me. Sometimes I can hear it. It says "don't give up Dani, maybe the Chemo will work this time and you might get your miracle" Then I smile and start to believe that I can be one of the people that have been healed by god.
Then I get more bad news from the doctors and the voice is forgotten. And I keep going to prepare everything for the end...
My pastor said sometimes god sees something in your future that will happen to you that's so horrible he wants to protect you from it that's why he takes you away. But something still doesn't add up...that baby girl. Should I just trust everyone that they will protect her and look over her like I would? But how could I give up on my own child?
A terminal illness is brutal. Cancer is brutal. It's so powerful, evil, nasty. Just like the devil.
I'm not scared of dying. Even though I'm only 27 I lived a wonderful life. It wasn't always easy but I always loved life and made the best of it. Since I was a child. And I know I changed peoples lives. I wrote a little bit of history so people might remember me for a while. I made people understand the meaning of live and appreciate every day. It's a wonderful feeling.
I still won't give up. As long as this heart is beating strong I will keep pushing. I will fight every day and enjoy the time I have with my daughter!
