Friday, June 1, 2012

terminal illness

What does it mean when you have a terminal illness? I can tell you all about it...or not. It means your illness will get you, sooner or later. The doctors can give you a time frame but that means absolutely nothing. Just like statistics for that specific illness. Because you can die sooner, later or just live for another 20 years. But once I know for sure and nobody could ever question or deny this. It's so scary it takes your breath away. It feels like a killer is in a room next to you with a knife and its just a matter of time until he finds you. Imagine how you would feel. You want to cry but can't because you don't want to make a noise. You don't want to breathe. You feel paralyzed. There is nothing you can protect yourself with and there is nobody who could help you. You alone, door on door with the enemy. That's how it feels. And then when you realize it's just an imagination you cry and cry because it seems so unfair.
Nobody wants to die. No matter how miserable your life is, nobody wants to go into the unknown. Leaving the known behind. Wondering if we will just disappear for ever. Like we never existed. Or if we will burn in hell because we broke the rules. There is not enough time to make up for the things we did when we didn't know better.
As for me I'm not scared anymore. I'm just heartbroken and so sad for my child. I just don't understand it.
I will never question god. He made us and he has the right to take us but it seems so cruel.
I know it will break her little spirit forever. I grew up without a dad but I could not imagine it without my mom. And she is a mommy's girl. Don't get me wrong, she loves her daddy but at the end of the day she comes back to the one she loves the most. We have a bond that I can not describe. It started before she was born. It's a bond nobody could ever replace. So what will happen to her.
My last scan was bad-horrible. I did not expect that at all. Especially not after I was getting so much better after I came home from the hospital. It's in my lung, almost replaced my bone marrow and it's gotten worse in my bones. And it's really hard to treat because my blood counts are not very good. The cancer makes it low and so does the chemo. The blood transfusions don't least very long. So it's almost a race with time. But how much time do I have? Hopefully enough so I can tell my mom goodbye. Enough to prepare the things for Chloe. The doctor told me to do it as long as I still can.
I feel my hands and legs getting weaker, like they want to give up. I realize how strong I used to be.
Now I feel like glass. I lost so much weight and it doesn't feel right. If it was the healthy way I would be happy but this is just not right. My muscles are hanging and my skin is loose. Every body part is sensitive to the touch. It feels like it wants to give up and drop but I keep going. Because I have to, somehow.
In my mind there is a little fire. It's so tiny you would never see it. It's called hope. It talks to me sometimes but it's so hard to hear because its just as weak as me. Sometimes I can hear it. It says "don't give up Dani, maybe the Chemo will work this time and you might get your miracle" Then I smile and start to believe that I can be one of the people that have been healed by god.
Then I get more bad news from the doctors and the voice is forgotten. And I keep going to prepare everything for the end...
My pastor said sometimes god sees something in your future that will happen to you that's so horrible he wants to protect you from it that's why he takes you away. But something still doesn't add up...that baby girl. Should I just trust everyone that they will protect her and look over her like I would? But how could I give up on my own child?
A terminal illness is brutal. Cancer is brutal. It's so powerful, evil, nasty. Just like the devil.
I'm not scared of dying. Even though I'm only 27 I lived a wonderful life. It wasn't always easy but I always loved life and made the best of it. Since I was a child. And I know I changed peoples lives. I wrote a little bit of history so people might remember me for a while. I made people understand the meaning of live and appreciate every day. It's a wonderful feeling.
I still won't give up. As long as this heart is beating strong I will keep pushing. I will fight every day and enjoy the time I have with my daughter!

24 comments:

  1. Dani, I do not know you but my heart breaks for you and your little girl. However, you seem very strong and sometimes love can conquer all. especially the love for and from a child. My prayers are with you and Chloe. Sending you much love, from one mom to another. God bless.

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    Replies


    1. Am jeremiah, I am testifying about a great hebal man that cured my wife of hepatitis B and liver cirhosis. his name is Dr oniha. My wife was diagnose of hepatities two years ago, i almost spent all i had then, until i saw dr oniha recommendation online, and i call him, then he told me how to get the herb. You can call him on +2347089275769 or email him at dronihaspell@yahoo.com

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    2. i am so glad to write this article today to tell the world how Dr. Ekpen cured my HPV virus that have been in my body since five years ago, ever since then my life has been in complete,i have used so many drugs that was prescribed to me by several doctors,but it didn't cure my HPV VIRUS neither did it reduce the pain, i was checking for solution on the internet then miraculously came across Dr. Ekpen the powerful herbalist that cure HPV INFECTION,then i contacted his email, i explained everything to him and he prepared a herbal cure and send it to me that was how i got cured from HPV disease totally after receiving his herbal medicine, so my friends viewers why waiting and be suffering with this HPV virus when there is someone like Dr. Ekpen that can get you cured completely. you can contact his Email via: drekpenherbalisthome@gmail.com

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    3. Good news this is to everyone out there with different health challenges, as I know there are still a lot of people suffering from different health issues and are therefore looking for solutions. I bring you Good news. There is a man called Dr Emmanuel  a herbal practitioner who helped cure me from HSV (2), i had suffered from this diseases for the past 5 years and i have spent so much money trying to survive from it. I got my healing by taking the herbal medicine Dr Emmanuel sent to me to drink for about 14 days . 3 days after completion of the dosage, I went for a medical checkup and I was tested free from HSV. all thanks to God for leading me to Dr Emmanuel who was able to cure me completely from this deadly diseases, I’m sharing this so that other people can know of this great healer called Dr Emmanuel because I got to know him through elizabeth who he cured from HIV. I was made to understand that he can cure several other deadly diseases and infections. Don’t die in ignorance or silent and don’t let that illness take your life. Contact Dr Emmanuel through his email traditionalherbalhealingcentre@gmail.com You can also whatsapp/call him on:+2348140033827 .He cure all forms of disease {1}HIV/AIDS {2}DIABETES {3}EPILEPSY {4} BLOOD CANCER {5} HPV {6} BRAIN TUMOR {7} HEPATITIS {8}COPD{9} SICKLE AND ANAEMIA.etc Be kind enough to share as you received.  

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    4. I’m recommending Dr Godday to everyone who have herpes virus to get the cure from him. I was diagnose of genital herpes in 2015 and i have been searching and asking questions to see if i could get something to cure the disease because i did not believe what the doctors say that no cure is found yet. I came across a comment on Youtube and the person testify how she was cured from herpes and hpv after using Dr Godday herbal medicine. I quickly contact Dr email and explain my problem to him and he prepare the herbs and send it to me through courier and gave me instructions on how to use it and tell me to go for checkup after usage which i did after two weeks of taken the herbal medicine and my result was NEGATIVE. I waited another month and retested the result was still NEGATIVE and my doctor told me that am completely free from herpes. Am so happy and grateful to Dr Godday for what he has done for me and i will continue to share this for people out there to know that there is cure for herpes. You can contact Dr Godday on email and WhatsApp to get the cure from him. Email:goddayspiritualhome@gmail.com Or Call/What’s-app +1{919}4956404

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  2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvzDHGLEUyw

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbIixJI_oa4

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  3. Dani, when ever I dead your blog I just have this urge to say i love you. It makes me feel so dumb for getting upset or mad... Your story makes me feel I shouldn't hold grudges and hold on to the ones I love. You never know your future. You truly don't know the strength god gives us until you see someone doing something miraculous. I love the love you have for Cloe. It's real and hear it in your voice how much you think of her... We just don't understand how lucky we are just not to worry every minute. God has a plan for I just wish I knew it so u would know for sure she will be ok.
    <3 Nichole

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  4. I love u Dani and always will....... U are an inspiration to many.
    Dennis

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  5. Dani was taken home today to be with the Lord. She is in now in peace, in Gods arms, resting comfortably. Thank you to all who have followed her blog, loved her, laughed and cried with her. She will be missed but we will meet again someday. We love you Dani.

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  6. When it comes to Life Insurance, there are benefits that should be of importance to you. Things like "conversion privileges", Accelerated Death benefits", Terminal Illness Riders" Ask us which plans offer these unique benefits.

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  7. My name is Roberta Queen from Holland am here because of he wonderful thing
    that has happened to my husband who had prostrate cancer Doctor us my
    husband will die of the postrate cancer in the next 5 months All our hopes was
    lost my husband was already thinking he would die luckily for us, My husband
    met a friend who introduced him to a Doctor kwameh appiah and to our surprise,
    just 3 weeks of meeting Doctor kwameh appiah the test result my husband did
    four days ago showed that the cancer had reduced by almost 60 percent. My
    husband now lives a normal life and i know that before the 8 weeks Doctor
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    please don't lie to yourself that you dont need help or you only rely on your
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    problem my husband had and they need help. i will be very happy to someone
    just the same way and my husband were helped. god bless you

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  8. Dr Itua cure my HIV, I have been a ARV Consumption for 10 years. i have been in pains until i came across Dr Itua on blogs site.I emailed him about my details of my HIV and my location i explained every thing to him and he told me that there is nothing to be scared of that he will cured me, he gave me guarantee,He ask me to pay for items fees so when i'm cured I will show gratitude I did and giving testimony of his healing herbs is what I'm going to do for the rest of you out there having HIV and other disease can see the good work of Dr Itua.I received his herbal medicine through EMS Courier service who delivered to my post office within 5 working days.Dr Itua is an honest man and I appreciate him for his good work.My GrandMa called him to appreciate him and rest of my friends did too,Is a joy to me that I'm free of taking Pills and having that fat belle is a nightmare.you will understand what i'm talking about if you have same problem I was having then not now though.I'm free and healthy Big Thanks To Dr Itua Herbal Center.I have his calendar too that he recently sent me,He Cure all kind disease Like,Cancer,Herpes,Fibromyalgia,Hiv,Hepatitis B,Liver/Kidney Inflamatory,Epilepsy,Infertility,Fibroid,Diabetes,Dercum,Copd ,and also Bring back Ex Lover Back..Here his Contact .drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com Or Whats_app Number +2348149277967

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  9. Am jeremiah, I am testifying about a great hebal man that cured my wife of hepatitis B and liver cirhosis. his name is Dr oniha. My wife was diagnose of hepatities two years ago, i almost spent all i had then, until i saw dr oniha recommendation online, and i call him, then he told me how to get the herb. You can call him on +2347089275769 or email him at dronihaspell@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am Larry Scott, I contracted HIV in 2009 I was told by my doctor that there’s no possible cure for HIV. I started taking my ARV’s, My CD4 is 77 and viral load is 112,450. I saw a website of Dr.Ehi, also I saw a lot of testimonials about him on how he uses herbal medicine to cure HIV. I contacted him and told him my problems, He sent me the herbal medicine and I took it for 21 days after then I went for check-up and I was cured. The medicine has NO SIDE EFFECT, there’s no special diet when taking the medicine.  is really a great man contact him now. { Ehicareherbalhome@gmail.com } m the great herbal mercy add him on whatsapp on +2348117827382 thanks once again dr Ehi you are the best I have ever seen  

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  11. For years, I have read and seen the advertisements in the mass media about all of the penis enhancement pills and thought that they were all scams or gimmicks. All of the medical sites that I have visited stated that none of the herbal supplements would ever help increase the size of a penis. I got very depressed when I read this, because unfortunately I was not naturally blessed with a penis that was big enough to arouse my sexual partner or past partners. I am a man that is past my sexual primetime and my sexual performance has a lot to be desired. I decided to try Doctoc Akhigbe herbal medicine after all the reading and researching that I have done.I saw a testimony " Joe" about doctror Akhigbe Herbal Medicine Since there is a Money Back Guarantee, I give him a trial what did I have to lose? I couldn't believe the results I was seeing after drinking the Natural  Herbal Medicine  and Herbal Soap to be rubign my penis! he sent to me through DHL courier delivery service . Within about 2 weeks I had a noticeable increase in the girth of my penis. Then after a coupleof aditional week it started to grow in length and I was amazed and very excited.before I finish the drink and the soap my penis had grown an additional two inches. I've had a considerable improvement with my sex life and these pills are certainly worth every penny I spent on them! I want to thank Dr Akhigbe for the time and effort they have spent on helping people in my situation.I know many are out there who are suffering this problem and they need help, email him.    drrealakhigbe@gmail.com.    He also cure other diseases like: Painful or Irregular Menstruation. HIV/Aids. Breast Enlargement. Diabetics. Vaginal Infections. Vaginal Discharge. Itching Of the Private Part. Breast Infection. Discharge from Breast. Breast Pain & Itching. Lower Abdominal Pain. No Periods or Periods Suddenly Stop. Women Sexual Problems. High Blood Pressure Chronic Disease. Pain during Sex inside the Pelvis. Pain during Urination. Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, (PID). Dripping Of Sperm from the Vagina As Well As for Low sperm count. Parkinson disease. Lupus.  Cancer.  Tuberculosis.  Zero sperm count.  Asthma.  Quick Ejaculation. Gallstone, Terminal Illnesses, Premature Ejaculation. Herpes. Joint Pain. Stroke. Weak Erection.  Erysipelas, Thyroid, Discharge from Penis. HPV.  Hepatitis A and B. STD. Staphylococcus + Gonorrhea + Syphilis. Heart Disease.  Pile-Hemorrhoid.rheumatism, thyroid, Autism, Penis enlargement,  Waist & Back Pain.  Male Infertility and Female Infertility. For your cure email him now:   drrealakhigbe@gmail.com    or Contact his numbe:  +2349010754824.

    ReplyDelete
  12. For years, I have read and seen the advertisements in the mass media about all of the penis enhancement pills and thought that they were all scams or gimmicks. All of the medical sites that I have visited stated that none of the herbal supplements would ever help increase the size of a penis. I got very depressed when I read this, because unfortunately I was not naturally blessed with a penis that was big enough to arouse my sexual partner or past partners. I am a man that is past my sexual primetime and my sexual performance has a lot to be desired. I decided to try Doctoc Akhigbe herbal medicine after all the reading and researching that I have done.I saw a testimony " Joe" about doctror Akhigbe Herbal Medicine Since there is a Money Back Guarantee, I give him a trial what did I have to lose? I couldn't believe the results I was seeing after drinking the Natural  Herbal Medicine  and Herbal Soap to be rubign my penis! he sent to me through DHL courier delivery service . Within about 2 weeks I had a noticeable increase in the girth of my penis. Then after a coupleof aditional week it started to grow in length and I was amazed and very excited.before I finish the drink and the soap my penis had grown an additional two inches. I've had a considerable improvement with my sex life and these pills are certainly worth every penny I spent on them! I want to thank Dr Akhigbe for the time and effort they have spent on helping people in my situation.I know many are out there who are suffering this problem and they need help, email him.    drrealakhigbe@gmail.com.    He also cure other diseases like: Painful or Irregular Menstruation. HIV/Aids. Breast Enlargement. Diabetics. Vaginal Infections. Vaginal Discharge. Itching Of the Private Part. Breast Infection. Discharge from Breast. Breast Pain & Itching. Lower Abdominal Pain. No Periods or Periods Suddenly Stop. Women Sexual Problems. High Blood Pressure Chronic Disease. Pain during Sex inside the Pelvis. Pain during Urination. Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, (PID). Dripping Of Sperm from the Vagina As Well As for Low sperm count. Parkinson disease. Lupus.  Cancer.  Tuberculosis.  Zero sperm count.  Asthma.  Quick Ejaculation. Gallstone, Terminal Illnesses, Premature Ejaculation. Herpes. Joint Pain. Stroke. Weak Erection.  Erysipelas, Thyroid, Discharge from Penis. HPV.  Hepatitis A and B. STD. Staphylococcus + Gonorrhea + Syphilis. Heart Disease.  Pile-Hemorrhoid.rheumatism, thyroid, Autism, Penis enlargement,  Waist & Back Pain.  Male Infertility and Female Infertility. For your cure email him now:   drrealakhigbe@gmail.com    or Contact his numbe:  +2349010754824.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am here to give my testimony about Dr Ebhota who helped me.. i want to inform the public how i was cured from (HERPES SIMPLEX VIRUS) by salami, i visited different hospital but they gave me list of drugs like Famvir, Zovirax, and Valtrex which is very expensive to treat the symptoms and never cured me. I was browsing through the Internet searching for remedy on HERPES and i saw comment of people talking about how Dr Ehbota cured them. when i contacted him he gave me hope and send a Herbal medicine to me that i took for just 2 weeks and it seriously worked for me, my HERPES result came out negative. I am so happy as i am sharing this testimony. My advice to you all who thinks that there is no cure for herpes that is Not true just contact him and get cure from Dr Ebhota healing herbal cure of all kinds of sickness you may have like
    (1) CANCER,
    (2) DIABETES,
    (3) HIV&AIDS,
    (4) URINARY TRACT INFECTION,
    (5) CANCER,
    (6) IMPOTENCE,
    (7) BARENESS/INFERTILITY
    (8) DIARRHEA
    (9) ASTHMA
    (10)SIMPLEX HERPES AND GENITAL
    (11)COLD SORE
    HERPES. he also cure my friend from cervical cancer Email: drebhotasoultion@gmail.com or whatsapp him on +2348089535482

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  14. MY TESTIMONY ABOUT HOW DR IMOLOA HERBAL CREAM ENLARGE MY PENIS FROM 4 INCHES TO 8 INCHES

    Hello everyone here i want to share a marvelous testimony oh how Dr Imoloa HERBAL MIXTURE CREAM saved me from shame and disgrace .So Many Women Today Cheat On Their Husband All Because Of The Poor Performance Of Their Husband In Bed,I Have Come To Know That Women Love Men Who Last Long In Bed And Also Has That Big Dick That Can Make Them Scream And Also Make Them Rich Their Climax,Women Truly Love Good Sex. I Have Been Passing True Sexual Problems For The Past Six Years Now All Because Of The Size Of My Penis And My Poor Performance In Bed I Caught My Wife With A Man On Our Matrimonial Bed I Was Heart Broken And Confused When I Asked Her Why She Did All What She Did She Told Me I Was Not Good In Bed That I Can Not Satisfy Her That She Needs A Man Who Can Satisfy Her That Was How She Broke Up With Me At That Moment. I Told My Self I Was Never Going To Have Any Thing To Do With Any Woman Again I Started Going To The Club Sleeping Around With Different Girls at a Point I Got Tired Of Living That Kind Of Life Because That Was Never Part Of Me I Was On Line Last Month When I Came Across so many testimonies On   Dr imoloa, How He Made their Sex Life Come Back To Life And That He Had Giving Them The Real Size Of Penis A Man  Suppose To Have I Got Interested And I Contacted Him At Once Luckily For Me He Was Online After About 30 Minutes He Replied Me And Then He Told Me Every Thing I Needed To Do After Every Thing He Sent Me A herbal cream Package True The DHL courier  Service Which I Received The Next three Days And Then I Started Using Them As Instructed By Him After About 2 Weeks I Started Seeing My Penis Got to 8 inches And i Felt So Many Changes Inside Of Me And Today I Am Happily Married With 2 kids And Last Up more than 1 Hour On Bed and can go up to 10 rounds with my wife All Thanks To Dr imoloa For Making Me Feel Like A Man Once Again.note he also have cure for..PENIS ENLARGEMENT, BREAST ENLARGEMENT, DIABETES 1/2,HIV/AIDS,HERPES,CANCER,PREMATURE EJACULATION,WEAK ERECTION,ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION ,LOW SPERM COUNT PREGNANCY HERBAL MEDICINE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE LOW SPERM COUNT LYME DISEASE many more..  Contact Via drimolaherbalmademedicine@gmail.com or  whatssapp--+2347081986098

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  15. WHAT A GREAT MIRACLE THAT I HAVE EVER SEE IN MY LIFE. My names are Clara David I’m a citizen of USA, My younger sister was sicking of breast cancer and her name is Sandra David I and my family have taking her to all kind of hospital in USA still yet no good result. I decided to make search for cancer cure so that was how I find a lady called peter Lizzy she was testifying  to the world about the goodness of a herbal man who has the roots and herbs to cure all kind of disease and the herbal man email was there. So I decided to contact the herbal man @herbalist_sakura for my younger sister help to cure her breast cancer. I contacted him and told him my problem he told me that I should not worry that my sister cancer will be cure, he told me that there is a medicine that he is going to give me that I will cook it and give it to my sister to drink for one week, so I ask how can I receive the cure that I am in USA, he told me That I will pay for the delivery service. The courier service can transport it to me so he told me the amount I will pay, so my dad paid for the delivery fee. two days later I receive the cure from the courier service so I used it as the herbal man instructed me to, before the week complete my sister cancer was healed and it was like a dream to me not knowing that it was physical I and my family were very happy about the miracle of Doctor so my dad wanted to pay him 5 million us dollars the herbal man did not accept the offer from my dad, but I don't know why he didn't accept the offer, he only say that I should tell the world about him and his miracle he perform so am now here to tell the world about him if you or your relative is having any kind of disease that you can't get from the hospital please contact dr.sakuraspellalter@gmail.com or whats app him +2348110114739  you can follow him up on Instagram @herbalist_sakura for the cure, he will help you out with the problem. And if you need more information about the doctor you can mail me davidclara223@gmail.com 

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  16. Good news this is to everyone out there with different health challenges, as I know there are still a lot of people suffering from different health issues and are therefore looking for solutions. I bring you Good news. There is a man called Dr Emmanuel  a herbal practitioner who helped cure me from HSV (2), i had suffered from this diseases for the past 5 years and i have spent so much money trying to survive from it. I got my healing by taking the herbal medicine Dr Emmanuel sent to me to drink for about 14 days . 3 days after completion of the dosage, I went for a medical checkup and I was tested free from HSV. all thanks to God for leading me to Dr Emmanuel who was able to cure me completely from this deadly diseases, I’m sharing this so that other people can know of this great healer called Dr Emmanuel because I got to know him through elizabeth who he cured from HIV. I was made to understand that he can cure several other deadly diseases and infections. Don’t die in ignorance or silent and don’t let that illness take your life. Contact Dr Emmanuel through his email traditionalherbalhealingcentre@gmail.com You can also whatsapp/call him on:+2348140033827 .He cure all forms of disease {1}HIV/AIDS {2}DIABETES {3}EPILEPSY {4} BLOOD CANCER {5} HPV {6} BRAIN TUMOR {7} HEPATITIS {8}COPD{9} SICKLE AND ANAEMIA.etc Be kind enough to share as you received.  

    ReplyDelete
  17. As a sign of gratitude for how my son was saved from autism, I decided to reach out to those still suffering from this.
    My son suffered autism in 2017 and it was really tough and heartbreaking for me because he was my all and the symptoms were terrible, he always had difficulty with communication , and he always complained of poor eye contact . We tried various therapies prescribed by our neurologist but none could cure him. I searched for a cure and I saw a testimony by someone who was cured and so many others with similar body problems, and he left the contact of the doctor who had the cure to autism . I never imagined autism has a natural cure not until I contacted him and he assured me my son will be fine. I got the herbal medication he recommended and my son used it and in one months time he was fully okay even up till this moment he is so full of life.autism has a cure and it is a herbal cure contact the doctor for more info on [drjamesherbalmix@gmail.com] on how to get the medication. Thanks for reading my story  

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  18. Dr. Riaria cured my herpes virus that have been in my body since two years, ever since then my life has been incomplete, I have used so many drugs that was prescribed to me by doctors, but it didn't cure my herpes virus, i was checking for solution on the internet then I miraculously came across Dr. Riaria the powerful herbalist that  can cure herpes infection, then I contacted him through his email, I explained everything to him and he prepared a herbal medicine and sent it to me through FedEx, which I took for 14 days with the instruction he gave me, and when I did a test in the hospital my result came out negative it was the happiest day of my life that am cure from HSV 2,  are you also suffering from same virus or another diseases you can simply contact him via email: drriaria@gmail.com  you can also call or WhatsApp him on: +2349134987375.  

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  19. I want to share a testimony, how i was cured from Herpes by DR AGUGU with his herbal remedy. I don't know where to start, I'm 33 years old and i was diagnoses of genital herpes diseases for 5 years. i lost all hope in life but on like any other i still searched for a cure even on the internet and i saw a comment were a lady testify how she was cured by Dr AGUGU i could not believe it at first, i contacted him, He sent me his herbal remedy i used it for 2 weeks and the Herpes virus was cured completely. I went for medical check and the result was negative from Herpes.
    For those who have the same problem, or any STD should contact Dr AGUGU via email: agugusolutionhome@gmail.com you can also call or WhatsApp +2349123794867

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