Welcome back!

It has been a very long time since I've updated this blog. I had to set it on private for personal reasons and then I stopped writing. So many people asked me about it and wanted me to start writing again. I wanted to give up on it for a while because I have a very hard time expressing myself in english and sometimes it takes me hours to write one post.
The reason why I'm making this blog public again is a message from a person I received a while ago. I don't know who she is or how old she is, the only thing I know is that she has cancer and that she said my blog gives her hope. And if I can change one persons life I will sacrifice my time and keep writing posts with bad grammar. You asked for it ;)
So many things happened. Good things, bad things and horrible things. I don't really know where to start.
I don't even remember the day anymore when I was diagnosed. People ask me "didn't the time just fly by, look how far you have come" No actually I feel like I had cancer for 25 years now.
Maybe I should start with the positive things that happened or changed since I have been diagnosed.
I have met some incredible people. All ages, ethnicity, religion. I found the good in people again. For me it seems like if someone is that vulnerable like me people have a natural instinct of trying to protect the other person. It is in our nature unless you are an evil person. And thanks to Facebook I've gotten so much support from all over the world, even from people who couldn't stand me years ago.
I learned to let go of the people who didn't care enough and hold on to those who do. I've learned where happiness comes from and what unconditional love means. I learned how a positive attitude can change everything and everyone around me.
I changed from a follower to a leader. I grew stronger.
But of course with cancer there are more bad moments than good. I can not tell you how sick and tired I am of hospitals and doctors. Scans, tests, treatments, drugs and decisions. Every time I think that I just had the worst procedure possible, they put me through something more traumatic. And it's not the physical pain, it's a mental thing. Best example is my bone biopsy. How often do you have someone drill through your spine? That reminds me of a horror movie! It will take me a very long time to get over that.

After they have told me that my breast cancer has spread to my bones it changed my life forever. Before there was a chance for me to live a normal life but now I know nothing will ever be normal again.
At first I was done. I planned on getting ready to die. I expected my treatment to fail and believed the doctor who told me I had 2-10 years to live. I was ok with that. I thought I had a good life and knew at least I was going to heaven. Until one day I looked at my daughter and thought, who will fix her hair for prom? Her dad doesn't know how to do that. If you know me and my daughter than you will know I don't let many people touch her hair. She has very beautiful hair and I want it to stay that way. I cut it myself since she was a baby.
Then I thought who will teach her how to ride a bike or to swim? Who will teach her german or how to count? Who will be there to tell her she can't date until she is 35? Who will tell her how important she is and special. So I said, I need 16 years. That's my goal. I want to see her go to college and know that she will be able to take care of herself. That's all I'm asking for. And if it's in a wheelchair, I don't care.
My little girl needs her mom and I will fight to make sure I'm here for every important event in her life.

Right now I don't have a plan for the future. I don't even have a plan for tomorrow. I know god has a plan so I stopped planing.

Radiation is the next step. It kind of has a bitter feeling to it. This was suppose to be the last step. I was suppose to be done after that. Now I'm still trying to find peace with the fact that I will have cancer for the rest of my life. I hated it before, now I want to get along with it. I want to say: "hey cancer, we are kind of stuck together now so can we please get along? Can you please stop hurting me and just stay where you are so I don't have to tell the doctors to cut some of you out? I know you are stronger but if I die, you'll die with me." Weird I know...

I have more and more the desire to find the purpose of life. I research different theories and religions. I do have a little to much time on my hand and REALLY need to find a job now since I'm starting to feel better so I don't drive myself nuts. Because there are some crazy theories out there.

The best way for me to handle all this is to help others. Maybe it distracts me from my own sufferings, who knows.

I hope everyone is having a good week.
I promise to keep up with this blog again.