So it's the day before chemo I had to take steroids again...and as clumsy, (or what's the opposite of smart?) as I am I realized that I was not taking the right dose the first two times!!! It says take 2 pills 2 times per day...it just had to many 2's in one sentence. I really hope my doctors don't ever read my blog. So the lesson of the day is- call somebody for a second opinion when reading instruction for serious medication.
Anyway, so after finding out that I had to double the dose I was not happy with it. I had minor problems with it before. My face and my mouth gets very swollen from it and I called the doctor and he told me it was just water retention but what we both didn't know was that I was only taking half of what he prescribed. I will tell the chemotherapy nurse about it tomorrow morning just in case to see what she says. Let's just pray I don't choke in my sleep tonight. No that will not happen!!
Another reason why I don't like taking the steroids is because they make me SO hyper. I talk very fast, can't sleep and if I didn't have my daughter tonight I would be probably in the gym running 5 miles.
And the last thing that bothers me is that it increases the appetite...people that know me know I just lost 35 pounds through going to the gym almost every day for about 2 hours. Some of you might say, your life is more important and all you need to do is survive. And that's true and I don't want to complain around so much, all I want to say is that I was not very happy with myself with 35 more pounds. So all I can do now is watch what I eat and work out on those days I feel good. I'm writing this while I'm eating Disney Princesses fruit flavored snacks, naturally and artificially flavored...great.
So tomorrow is halftime. I have everything ready, my bedazzled cup that says "fight like a girl" my pink socks, my knitted hat, my prayer blanket, the get well cards for the other patients at the infusion center, my Disney Princesses artificially snacks, my neckless that says "when you have hope you have everything", my lotion to numb the skin where they stick the disgusting needle in my port and my good spirit.
Me and my girlfriend will rock the infusion center tomorrow! Well until they put the Benadryl into my IV and I go to sleep. That's usually within the first two hours! LOL
Do you want me to tell you how I really feel?
I'm scared to death. People tell me now you are better prepared and know what to expect...no I'm not. Because I know what's coming it's not good. I do it because that's the only thing that will keep me alive.
I just want to cry thinking about it and hide behind my mama so she can save me from it. Like she saved me from everything else when I was little. But I can't, I have to face it on my own. I'm trying to describe chemotherapy over and over again and I just can't find the right words for it. Maybe by the end of my treatment I will be able to. Right now I would compare it to running into a sharp knife. It's the same pain.
For me it feels like dark clouds are coming my way to cover the sun, just like before the storm. I can feel the darkness creeping up and I feel something evil breathing in my ear. I don't know how many of you read Harry Potter. I always think of him before I go to chemo. He kind of described it the same way when he felt the death eaters coming his way.
I know it is good for me and I should look at it but I just can't help it. I think chemo just messes with your head. It does kill the cancer cells but I'm sure it does something to your spirit that they have not discovered yet and maybe never will because there is no scientifically proof for things like that.
And I'm not only talking about the side effects that effect me physically, I'm talking about the things that effect my mentally. And at first I thought maybe I'm just scared but I talked to other cancer patients and survivors and they described the same thing to me.
Being so close to death is just to overwhelming. Just to be confronted with it is just something I was not ready for with my age. And I shouldn't be. God gave me this because he knew I could handle it. And I handled it pretty well so far I think. But it is the hardest thing I had to do in my life.
And I'm so happy to know that I can fall, because I know every single one of you who is reading this right now will be there to catch me!!! I want everyone to know that I'm alive because of every single one of you.
I need you to know one thing about me. I'm very private when it comes to my feelings, I'm not an affectionate person and I don't like people to see my weakness. That's how I have been raised by my mom to protect myself from people taking advantage of me. But because of you I learned to open up, ask for help and open my arms to god and most important to trust in friends, extended family, adopted family and the Lord. I will not give up because I have to live to give other cancer patients this message that there is hope, that you can survive with aggressive cancer and that you can't shut down or try to fight this horrible battle on your own.
Like I said before, I know god has a plan for me I have seen him in my dreams and every time I woke up and my daughter was standing in front of me saying "hey wook it's a mommy" so I know he wants me here to take care of her. I am beyond statistics, numbers, doctors. My mind has wandered into a better place, a place of peace because I know I can survive if my mind and my heart stay at that place.
Today as I was driving home with chloe she was saying something in the backseat and it sounded like a rhyme from a children's song she must have learned in preschool. I turned the radio down because I couldn't hear it. She said: "Mommy, I pray every day" that just made me cry! God is just giving me all those messages, he is right there working very hard.
Believe it or not but I know we all will be witnesses for a great miracle. All of you have a special place in my heart already but trust me you have a special place with him too. Because he sees everything. If you don't believe in god, believe in karma. One day you might be sick too (I hope not) or somebody close to you will be sick, trust me he won't forget!
When you read through my posts you will notice that I came a long way. I became a complete new person. And I'm so proud of that. I finally found myself and found out what I want in life. I realized that I was going into a wrong direction. I finally noticed how mature I am for my age and that I never took advantage of that. I was selling myself for less!
I am far from perfect and need to learn so so many things but I can say that in that time since I have been diagnosed I have gained so much wisdom like a person would in probably 5 years. And I'm thankful for that.
Now I wrote this super long post and this will be probably the last for about a week, as you know after my chemo my brain just won't function like I want it to...unfortunately :(
Don't be mad at me if I just post pictures!!
I wish everybody a great weekend, a good start into the breast cancer awareness month, a happy first of October and if your day goes bad always remember that there is somebody out there who has it worse.
If you want to sign up for the breast cancer walk on the 15th here is the link again. Just remember it's a charity event from the american cancer society and if they ask you for a donation, that money goes to their charity and not to me. If you want to donate money to me, there is a tab at the top of this page that will direct you to my donation page. I'm not trying to say not to donate to them, I'm just saying that because a couple of people donated to them but meant to donate to me.
When you sign up search for team "miles for Dani" and join our team. They will ask for your credit card information but you can just leave everything blank and click on continue. They try to raise as much money as possible and ask everyone for a donation.
http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?sid=16393&type=fr_informational&pg=informational&fr_id=35986
just click on the highlighted link and it will take you to the registration page!
Hope to see you on the 15th!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Are you ready for breast cancer awareness month? I am!
God send me a couple of his angels to take care of me while I'm sick.
One of them is my new friend Michele,
not only is she collecting money for me with her little fundraiser at work to help me pay my bills
she also brings me so many presents it's almost like christmas every week.
Here are some pictures:
Thank you so much Michele and I know you have been sent by god. We didn't know each other before I was sick and you are taking care of me like I'm your daughter. That really means a lot to me and I will never forget what you did for me! Love you!
One of them is my new friend Michele,
not only is she collecting money for me with her little fundraiser at work to help me pay my bills
she also brings me so many presents it's almost like christmas every week.
Here are some pictures:
Thank you so much Michele and I know you have been sent by god. We didn't know each other before I was sick and you are taking care of me like I'm your daughter. That really means a lot to me and I will never forget what you did for me! Love you!
Monday, September 26, 2011
almost halfway through with chemo
I have been keeping myself very busy the last couple of weeks that I did not even realize that it's time for another round.
I have been taking pictures, meeting up with old friends, meeting up with new friends and got rid of the bad ones! I have been going to church a lot, the sunday service, bible study, dinners and yoga which is called Yo-god. The yoga is my favorite I think. So relaxing...
I've been taking good care of myself in the last two weeks. I'm avoiding any kind of stress and I'm taking time for myself. Before I never liked to be alone but one day I realized how relaxing it can be. I put Chloe to bed around 8.30 and I can do whatever I want for myself. I take baths, read a book, edit pictures, watch a movie or just go to sleep early.
I meet someone new almost every day. It's kind of hard to keep up with names and phone numbers.
I'm so glad that my passion for photography came back. I just love doing it and the results surprise me sometimes.
Chloe has been so wonderful lately. She is my little sunshine. She listens very well and gives me so much love. She is so much fun and makes me laugh all the time. She has a weird sense of humor and she can even be ironic sometimes. She likes to climb in my bed in the middle of the night to snuggle up to me. I don't like to encourage that habit but it just feels good to me right now. I always look forward to it at night. I can hear her little fingernails scratch the sheets while she tries to climb on my king size bed. Then I can feel her hot breath on my face while she squeezes herself close to me. And a couple minutes later I can hear her snore.
I was having lunch with a friend yesterday who has breast cancer and just finished her treatment. She had the exact same symptoms like me and felt the darkness during the chemo. I thought I was the only one!
I also went to a breast cancer support group meeting today. It was ok. They had a speaker tonight and she was talking about how we have to love ourselves and was telling us about colors we should wear, accessories and make up. She also made us a box for our happy thoughts. We are suppose to write notes about what makes us happy and read them every time we are down.
My first note was "my daughter makes me very happy"
I also saw my bosom buddy that I have not seen in a while.
I went to the gym today for the first time since probably 6 months. I was scared at first and halfway through my run I started having a pain around my heart area. Of course I started thinking I was having a heart attack but I went away when I slowed down. The chemo can cause damage to your heart and that's all I was thinking about. But I did good. I ran 2 miles and did some weights. But tonight I'm eating cookies!! I might get it right tomorrow!
I started my period today. Most of you probably think, so what? Before I had cancer I wished I would never be on my period but today it was like christmas. For some of you that don't know, my doctor told me I might not be able to have children after my treatment. So every period is a little hope for me. I always wanted to have 5 kids.
I think I'm really prepared for this round and hopefully I won't get sick at all!
Oh and by the way, I stopped believing in statistics I only believe in god now!
I have been taking pictures, meeting up with old friends, meeting up with new friends and got rid of the bad ones! I have been going to church a lot, the sunday service, bible study, dinners and yoga which is called Yo-god. The yoga is my favorite I think. So relaxing...
I've been taking good care of myself in the last two weeks. I'm avoiding any kind of stress and I'm taking time for myself. Before I never liked to be alone but one day I realized how relaxing it can be. I put Chloe to bed around 8.30 and I can do whatever I want for myself. I take baths, read a book, edit pictures, watch a movie or just go to sleep early.
I meet someone new almost every day. It's kind of hard to keep up with names and phone numbers.
I'm so glad that my passion for photography came back. I just love doing it and the results surprise me sometimes.
Chloe has been so wonderful lately. She is my little sunshine. She listens very well and gives me so much love. She is so much fun and makes me laugh all the time. She has a weird sense of humor and she can even be ironic sometimes. She likes to climb in my bed in the middle of the night to snuggle up to me. I don't like to encourage that habit but it just feels good to me right now. I always look forward to it at night. I can hear her little fingernails scratch the sheets while she tries to climb on my king size bed. Then I can feel her hot breath on my face while she squeezes herself close to me. And a couple minutes later I can hear her snore.
I was having lunch with a friend yesterday who has breast cancer and just finished her treatment. She had the exact same symptoms like me and felt the darkness during the chemo. I thought I was the only one!
I also went to a breast cancer support group meeting today. It was ok. They had a speaker tonight and she was talking about how we have to love ourselves and was telling us about colors we should wear, accessories and make up. She also made us a box for our happy thoughts. We are suppose to write notes about what makes us happy and read them every time we are down.
My first note was "my daughter makes me very happy"
I also saw my bosom buddy that I have not seen in a while.
I went to the gym today for the first time since probably 6 months. I was scared at first and halfway through my run I started having a pain around my heart area. Of course I started thinking I was having a heart attack but I went away when I slowed down. The chemo can cause damage to your heart and that's all I was thinking about. But I did good. I ran 2 miles and did some weights. But tonight I'm eating cookies!! I might get it right tomorrow!
I started my period today. Most of you probably think, so what? Before I had cancer I wished I would never be on my period but today it was like christmas. For some of you that don't know, my doctor told me I might not be able to have children after my treatment. So every period is a little hope for me. I always wanted to have 5 kids.
I think I'm really prepared for this round and hopefully I won't get sick at all!
Oh and by the way, I stopped believing in statistics I only believe in god now!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Relaxing night
I'm having a relaxing night today. Just me myself and I, my bath, a book and some relaxing music.
It feels good to be alone sometimes. I'm learning more and more every day that being alone does not mean being lonely.
As I was taking a bath, for the first time since I have been diagnosed, I realized how big my tumor is.
Every time I take a shower I try not to touch it and try to ignore it. But tonight I kinda had to face it.
It was hard not to notice it. My left breast is a size bigger than the other. And it's bigger than my palm.
It's scary...it's serious. It doesn't feel like it's getting smaller. The doctor said it did a little but I can't notice it. It feels like it got bigger.
But I don't care that much anymore. I stopped believing in statistics. And I started believing in miracles.
Not in miracles of medicine. Miracles from god!
If you are not a believer you will probably think chemo has made me lose my mind. But I see it every day.
My whole life is a miracle right now. People taking care of me, helping me pay my bills, giving me support.
I can give you a little example. When it got colder a couple of days ago I was worried how I'm going to buy warm clothes for my daughter. I did not tell anybody about my concern. Today my friend Melissa and Barbara came over today and brought new clothes for her, 3 pairs of shoes and socks. Everything for the colder days. You call it a coincidence, I know better than that.
This whole journey is a learning process. I'm finally finding myself. If I could go back I would not choose to do it without the cancer. Maybe without the pain and the suffering. But through this I have met some many great people. And I have found my way back to god. I was lost and I found my way back.
This is a live changing experience. I'm learning so many great things and I think I'm becoming a better person. I don't want to be a christian by name only. I want to be more than that.
It did not happen overnight and I'm not done learning. It won't be long until I found peace with myself.
Today I met another cancer patient. Before I only met survivors. I'm so excited that we bonded instantly.
We will have lunch on monday and exchange stories. She doesn't have hair either LOL
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
good night!
I've been dealing with a lot of stress in my personal life but other than that I'm great.
I recovered so much faster from my last chemo and even though I got a little cold, the time went by so fast.
I had great support from friends and family and I was always distracted.
Some of you might read this now and say, but I don't have any good friends. If you are fighting the battle with cancer you better make some friends. Support groups are great and so is a local church, neighbors and most important your family. Even if you try, you can not do this alone trust me. And it feel so much better when you have somebody on your side.
I'm very happy that I don't have to take any pain medication anymore. And that I'm not in pain.
Because I can't do much right now I do things that are fun. I love photography and I'm working on my skills. I will also write a children's book.
I'm very excited about the breast cancer awareness month coming up. There will be so many great events and I know I will meat some great breast cancer survivors. I noticed that I have not met one person that currently has breast cancer. Especially nobody my age.
Some of my friends and family members are doing a breast cancer walk on the 15th. If anybody wants to join us, I will post the link. You have to sign up under team "miles for Dani" I will contact you then and give you more information.
My goal is it to run it and not to be in a wheelchair or sick at home. I want to show the world that I'm stronger than cancer and give everyone battling the disease hope!
I want to thank Michele and her team for the great support. She has been doing a wonderful job by selling calendars, note pads, ribbons, pens and so much more to get donations for me.
I will never forget what you are doing for me.
Thank you to crossroads for bringing me closer to god and give me faith.
Thanks to Melissa for doing EVERYTHING and for listening to my everyday drama and craziness. Without you I would have lost my mind a long time ago!
Thanks to Pedro for never giving up on me and helping me with your genius brain.
This list could go on for days.
Just know, I will never forget the love and support from my friends and family. One day will be my turn to return the help. I can't wait for that day!
http://makingstrides.acsevents.org/site/PageServer?pagename=MSABC_FY12_findanevent
I recovered so much faster from my last chemo and even though I got a little cold, the time went by so fast.
I had great support from friends and family and I was always distracted.
Some of you might read this now and say, but I don't have any good friends. If you are fighting the battle with cancer you better make some friends. Support groups are great and so is a local church, neighbors and most important your family. Even if you try, you can not do this alone trust me. And it feel so much better when you have somebody on your side.
I'm very happy that I don't have to take any pain medication anymore. And that I'm not in pain.
Because I can't do much right now I do things that are fun. I love photography and I'm working on my skills. I will also write a children's book.
I'm very excited about the breast cancer awareness month coming up. There will be so many great events and I know I will meat some great breast cancer survivors. I noticed that I have not met one person that currently has breast cancer. Especially nobody my age.
Some of my friends and family members are doing a breast cancer walk on the 15th. If anybody wants to join us, I will post the link. You have to sign up under team "miles for Dani" I will contact you then and give you more information.
My goal is it to run it and not to be in a wheelchair or sick at home. I want to show the world that I'm stronger than cancer and give everyone battling the disease hope!
I want to thank Michele and her team for the great support. She has been doing a wonderful job by selling calendars, note pads, ribbons, pens and so much more to get donations for me.
I will never forget what you are doing for me.
Thank you to crossroads for bringing me closer to god and give me faith.
Thanks to Melissa for doing EVERYTHING and for listening to my everyday drama and craziness. Without you I would have lost my mind a long time ago!
Thanks to Pedro for never giving up on me and helping me with your genius brain.
This list could go on for days.
Just know, I will never forget the love and support from my friends and family. One day will be my turn to return the help. I can't wait for that day!
http://makingstrides.acsevents.org/site/PageServer?pagename=MSABC_FY12_findanevent
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
6 days after chemo
I'm so glad I'm keeping up with this blog because it will help me remember how long I had which side effects.
So today I'm feeling much better. I felt better yesterday, got out of the house and went to bible study in the morning. I even met up with friends for coffee at night.
But for some reason I could not sleep all night. I had maybe an hour of sleep last night. I'm tired but I don't feel like I have to take a nap. At first I thought I might have been the caffeine but that doesn't least that long. It's strange. I had so much energy last night and even today.
But I did catch a little cold. Probably from Chloe since she has one too. And she probably got it from the daycare.
I have great stuff planned for the next couple of weeks. A new work project that I wanted to do for years, a little vacation and a 5K walk for breast cancer. I just got tired of sitting around. That's just not me...
I will tell you more about it soon, I really feel like I should take a nap because tonight I'm going to my church for dinner and yoga ;)
I hope everyone is having a great day...and if not just think about how your life would be if you had cancer right now!
So today I'm feeling much better. I felt better yesterday, got out of the house and went to bible study in the morning. I even met up with friends for coffee at night.
But for some reason I could not sleep all night. I had maybe an hour of sleep last night. I'm tired but I don't feel like I have to take a nap. At first I thought I might have been the caffeine but that doesn't least that long. It's strange. I had so much energy last night and even today.
But I did catch a little cold. Probably from Chloe since she has one too. And she probably got it from the daycare.
I have great stuff planned for the next couple of weeks. A new work project that I wanted to do for years, a little vacation and a 5K walk for breast cancer. I just got tired of sitting around. That's just not me...
I will tell you more about it soon, I really feel like I should take a nap because tonight I'm going to my church for dinner and yoga ;)
I hope everyone is having a great day...and if not just think about how your life would be if you had cancer right now!
4 days after second chemo
And we made it almost through the second round!
I did get sick again but this time was different. I was better prepared, I had more help and my side effects were different.
Just like the first time I did not get sick at the day of my chemo. I got sick the day after.
I was nauseas, tired, drained, exhausted and just beat.
My face, feet and hands are swollen like the last time and it's very uncomfortable. Especially in my fingers, it feels like Arthritis. It's hard for me to open a bottle of water or to pick up Chloe.
I also have nerve damage. That's loss of sensation, problems with balance, difficulty walking, hearing loss.
It's not very bad but bad enough that I have to be careful not to burn my hands in hot water, can't feel the room temperature like I used to, and have to be careful not to burn Chloe with hot food or tub water. The last time it got better within 2 weeks. I read that the nerve fibers re- grow but it takes time.
The side effect that bothers me the most is the chemo brain! Some people call it mental cloudiness or foggy thinking and to me it feels like I can only use 30% of my brain.
I keep forgetting things and can't think straight. Even typing this post is like a science project.
Sometimes I hear a random noise. like a sprinkler, and my brain just can't figure out what it is. Like today when my neighbor was vacuuming. It sounded like air was blowing through a window and it took me about 2 minutes to figure out what it was. You really don't know how complex and truly amazing your brain works until you can't use it to it's full potential anymore.
Luckily I did not have the same pain like the last time. This time it wasn't my back, only my legs and arms. It's easier to rest your legs than your back. And it feels like I ran cross country and not like I got into a car accident, so that's a plus.
Other side effects I have are dry skin, dry mouth, I have probably 20% of my hair left, hair on my body is gone, my vision got worse, food tastes horrible but I still have an appetite, I've gained 5 pounds in 2 days, upset stomach, constipation, I had a fever today, headache, and for some reason my nose feels like it's broken.
So this time I wanted to get through the side effects as fast and smooth as possible. I tried not to take as many pain meds as the last time because I wanted to prevent those side effects on top of the ones I already have.
I did get sick again but this time was different. I was better prepared, I had more help and my side effects were different.
Just like the first time I did not get sick at the day of my chemo. I got sick the day after.
I was nauseas, tired, drained, exhausted and just beat.
My face, feet and hands are swollen like the last time and it's very uncomfortable. Especially in my fingers, it feels like Arthritis. It's hard for me to open a bottle of water or to pick up Chloe.
I also have nerve damage. That's loss of sensation, problems with balance, difficulty walking, hearing loss.
It's not very bad but bad enough that I have to be careful not to burn my hands in hot water, can't feel the room temperature like I used to, and have to be careful not to burn Chloe with hot food or tub water. The last time it got better within 2 weeks. I read that the nerve fibers re- grow but it takes time.
The side effect that bothers me the most is the chemo brain! Some people call it mental cloudiness or foggy thinking and to me it feels like I can only use 30% of my brain.
I keep forgetting things and can't think straight. Even typing this post is like a science project.
Sometimes I hear a random noise. like a sprinkler, and my brain just can't figure out what it is. Like today when my neighbor was vacuuming. It sounded like air was blowing through a window and it took me about 2 minutes to figure out what it was. You really don't know how complex and truly amazing your brain works until you can't use it to it's full potential anymore.
Luckily I did not have the same pain like the last time. This time it wasn't my back, only my legs and arms. It's easier to rest your legs than your back. And it feels like I ran cross country and not like I got into a car accident, so that's a plus.
Other side effects I have are dry skin, dry mouth, I have probably 20% of my hair left, hair on my body is gone, my vision got worse, food tastes horrible but I still have an appetite, I've gained 5 pounds in 2 days, upset stomach, constipation, I had a fever today, headache, and for some reason my nose feels like it's broken.
So this time I wanted to get through the side effects as fast and smooth as possible. I tried not to take as many pain meds as the last time because I wanted to prevent those side effects on top of the ones I already have.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Just some pictures I wanted to share
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| Cotey and I with shaved heads |
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| Cotey let me shave his head and I had some fun with it! |
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| We were trying to connect our brains! |
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| Thank you... |
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| Chloe wearing my mask |
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| One of my wigs |
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| Has a stylish haircut but it's very uncomfortable to me. I bought it at Coco's for 19.99 |
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| One of my scarfs. It's black, I bought it for 3.00 dollars at Coco's too. I tied it on the side and clipped a white flower in it |
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| The pink firetruck that rides all over Florida |
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| My friends Michele signed my name on it, how sweet! |
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| A firefighter standing next to it. I have the same shirt by the way. Michele made sure I had one. I wanted to wear it to my last chemo but it had to be open on to so they could access the port on my cheast :( |
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| Cotey looking like one of the guys from rock band! |
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| Hilarious. He will kill me for putting those pictures up! |
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| Chloe at best buy with 3D glasses. |
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| For those who have not seen this picture yet Chloe's first day of school!! |
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| I really like this picture My friend Herti made this hat for me. It's very special to me. I put the pink flower in it, it's from Clares. The hat keeps my head warm! |
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| At the infusion center with my prayer blanket and my favorite hat. |
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| Chloe wants to wear a hat too! |
Thursday, September 8, 2011
I feel it creeping up...
It's 7pm and I finished my treatment around 2.30 I think. The Benadryl they gave me made me very drowsy and sleepy.
But I can feel it spreading in my body and I feel that I'm getting sick. It feels just like the last time, like something evil is coming to posess my body. I can't put my feeling into words. I can't even smile right now.
All I think is how I'm going to get through this. And it seems like my memory is getting worse than before. I def have to address that to my doctor and find out what's going on with that.
So I'm asking all my friends to keep reminding me if I had to call you, call you back or meet you somewhere.
I feel the nausea creeping up too. I will have to start taking medications soon. I made it without for about a week.
My friend Michele sent me a text today saying 2 down 4 more to go. It felt good reading that. Only for more times.
The video I posted today was from my first chemotherapy. Thanks to Alex, you did a great job.
But I can feel it spreading in my body and I feel that I'm getting sick. It feels just like the last time, like something evil is coming to posess my body. I can't put my feeling into words. I can't even smile right now.
All I think is how I'm going to get through this. And it seems like my memory is getting worse than before. I def have to address that to my doctor and find out what's going on with that.
So I'm asking all my friends to keep reminding me if I had to call you, call you back or meet you somewhere.
I feel the nausea creeping up too. I will have to start taking medications soon. I made it without for about a week.
My friend Michele sent me a text today saying 2 down 4 more to go. It felt good reading that. Only for more times.
The video I posted today was from my first chemotherapy. Thanks to Alex, you did a great job.
the night before second chemo
It's 2 am and I can't sleep. So I was on Facebook on my phone, started to write my thoughts of the night but I realized FB wasn't the right place to do so. I'm really glad sometimes that I have this blog where I can write down my thoughts which makes my family and friends happy because they want to know that I'm ok and it can also be useful to people who want to know what to expect.
I'm doing good tonight. I'm at a happy place, strong, knowing that I have hundreds of people standing behind me. This time is different than the last time. The last time I didn't know what to expect, my friends also didn't know how they can help. On top of that my support team has doubled. I feel like I'm going to war tomorrow and my support team is standing right behind me, with strong arms, ready to catch me when I fall. And I expect to fall. And it's ok if I do...I have the right to because I have cancer. It took me a while to except that and not feeling guilty about excepting help. And there is no doubt that I will return it one day. That's what I live for. I want to be an inspiration, an role model and somebodies hope.
Right now I just want to go down on my knees and thank god for allowing me to see another day. I want to be a better christian. I think sometimes maybe this was gods way of telling me I need to do better in life. Not that I was a bad person but I wasn't doing anything for my community. I might have been a good friend for some people but maybe that wasn't enough.
I have learned so much in my church even though I have only been going for a couple of weeks. It's sad that I have to say that but without me being sick I would have never made that experiance.
I met so many great people. I'm sure many of them will be friends for life. I found out who truly cares about me and who doesn't. I realized that I'm worth so much more than I thought. I saw the good in people again.
I have been blessed with all the people who are giving me donations, sending me gift cards, gas cards, get better cards, books, dvd's, food, scarfs, and so so so much more. My friend said to me, that's god taking care of you. Sometimes I don't even know how those people heard of me and they offer their help.
It's just amazing to me. I don't see this cancer as an end, I see it as a chance to become somebody better, a better person, a better friend and a better mom.
I cherish every moment with my friends because in the back of my head I still think it might be the last time I see them. Just like I said before, tomorrow is not garanteed so don't take anybody for granted.
Dealing with my physical changes has been very hard on me. I don't see myself in the mirror anymore. It's so hard. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It's so obvious now that I have cancer. I see it in peoples eyes when they look at me. I see them wonder and it makes me uncomfortable.
I'm trying to make the best out of wigs, scarfs and hats. I signed up for a program from the american cancer society. I think it's called look good feel better. They teach you how to use scarfs and how to find the proper wig. They also show you how to care for your face and nails after chemo. They have certefied cosmotologists who show you how to draw your eyebrows after they fall out and what products to use.
I'm very excited about that. I knew about it for a while but I thought I wouldn't need it because I've always knew how to do my make up. Until my face started to change...now I need help.
I am very scared that something will happen that I'm not prepared for. Like a different side effect or another infection. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly.
Since I have been home for a while now and couldn't work I had plenty of time to think about the future. I want to use this time off to make a plan for after my cancer. I don't want to go back to my old lifestyle and don't want to have jobs here and there. I want to get my degree translated as long as my funds allow me to and be able to use it either as it is or find out what I have to do to get to where I want to be. I'm tired of wasting my time and my education I had. I know I can do better!
Tonight I met a person who asked me about my condition and my stage. I explained to him that my survival chance is only 20%, his respond was "that's what they say" and he is so right. It might be a statistic but there have been so many miracles. Doctors have told people they will die and 10 years later they were still alive. As long as you fight and don't give yourself up there is always hope. Once you lay in bed and shut down your body will get a signal from your brain to shut down too. And I was there at some point and my friends helped me to get to where I am today. I feel like if I let myself die people will die with me and that's just not happening.
I ask myself every day why me? I know one day I will understand.
I'm doing good tonight. I'm at a happy place, strong, knowing that I have hundreds of people standing behind me. This time is different than the last time. The last time I didn't know what to expect, my friends also didn't know how they can help. On top of that my support team has doubled. I feel like I'm going to war tomorrow and my support team is standing right behind me, with strong arms, ready to catch me when I fall. And I expect to fall. And it's ok if I do...I have the right to because I have cancer. It took me a while to except that and not feeling guilty about excepting help. And there is no doubt that I will return it one day. That's what I live for. I want to be an inspiration, an role model and somebodies hope.
Right now I just want to go down on my knees and thank god for allowing me to see another day. I want to be a better christian. I think sometimes maybe this was gods way of telling me I need to do better in life. Not that I was a bad person but I wasn't doing anything for my community. I might have been a good friend for some people but maybe that wasn't enough.
I have learned so much in my church even though I have only been going for a couple of weeks. It's sad that I have to say that but without me being sick I would have never made that experiance.
I met so many great people. I'm sure many of them will be friends for life. I found out who truly cares about me and who doesn't. I realized that I'm worth so much more than I thought. I saw the good in people again.
I have been blessed with all the people who are giving me donations, sending me gift cards, gas cards, get better cards, books, dvd's, food, scarfs, and so so so much more. My friend said to me, that's god taking care of you. Sometimes I don't even know how those people heard of me and they offer their help.
It's just amazing to me. I don't see this cancer as an end, I see it as a chance to become somebody better, a better person, a better friend and a better mom.
I cherish every moment with my friends because in the back of my head I still think it might be the last time I see them. Just like I said before, tomorrow is not garanteed so don't take anybody for granted.
Dealing with my physical changes has been very hard on me. I don't see myself in the mirror anymore. It's so hard. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It's so obvious now that I have cancer. I see it in peoples eyes when they look at me. I see them wonder and it makes me uncomfortable.
I'm trying to make the best out of wigs, scarfs and hats. I signed up for a program from the american cancer society. I think it's called look good feel better. They teach you how to use scarfs and how to find the proper wig. They also show you how to care for your face and nails after chemo. They have certefied cosmotologists who show you how to draw your eyebrows after they fall out and what products to use.
I'm very excited about that. I knew about it for a while but I thought I wouldn't need it because I've always knew how to do my make up. Until my face started to change...now I need help.
I am very scared that something will happen that I'm not prepared for. Like a different side effect or another infection. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly.
Since I have been home for a while now and couldn't work I had plenty of time to think about the future. I want to use this time off to make a plan for after my cancer. I don't want to go back to my old lifestyle and don't want to have jobs here and there. I want to get my degree translated as long as my funds allow me to and be able to use it either as it is or find out what I have to do to get to where I want to be. I'm tired of wasting my time and my education I had. I know I can do better!
Tonight I met a person who asked me about my condition and my stage. I explained to him that my survival chance is only 20%, his respond was "that's what they say" and he is so right. It might be a statistic but there have been so many miracles. Doctors have told people they will die and 10 years later they were still alive. As long as you fight and don't give yourself up there is always hope. Once you lay in bed and shut down your body will get a signal from your brain to shut down too. And I was there at some point and my friends helped me to get to where I am today. I feel like if I let myself die people will die with me and that's just not happening.
I ask myself every day why me? I know one day I will understand.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
please be patient
I've been trying to upload a video since last night, finally figured out that I didn't work because it was too long. I will record a new one, please be patient!
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